Me getting healthy--

This year started out with me picking a word that I wanted this year to be about. And the word I picked out was Change. There's lots of things in my life that I can see changes happening, but the major one I am going along with is me getting healthy, and living a healthier life. I did really good the first 2 months. And I lost about 8 lbs. And march happened and I wasn't loosing weight, because I know I wasn't eating well.

So I found the South Beach Diet book at the thrift store for pretty cheap, and for the last few weeks before that I heard that diet mentioned a bit. So I thought I would get it and read it and see. As I started reading it was something I thought hey I can do this. So I started on Monday, and the first 2 weeks on the diet is pretty strict with not much you can eat. And then after 2 weeks you start adding in more stuff. So I am on day 4. And its really been good. I cant say its been super easy, there's been some hard moments. But for the most part I have done REALLY well, and I can really see myself feeling better. They say you can loose anywhere from 8-13 lbs mostly they say its alot of water weight, but its still encouraging to see the number go down. And I already lost 6 lbs and I am super happy.

I am really going to stick with this. I feel like for once in my life I have control over myself and how I feel and the way I look.

So I am going to be bold and keep track on here the weight I am loosing. So to start out--

So the first of the year I started out at --182 (yuck!)

As of this pasted Sunday 4/18 I was down-- 174 (better)

As of today I am--168

My goal is --130

So if I loose 10lbs in the first 2 weeks of the diet and then 2lbs a week therefore after I could be at my goal the last week of Aug. Which is beyond exciting.

And I am being bold writing this because I REALLY REALLY want to do this.

And I am excited because Kalla is going to start the diet too so we can buddy up and give each other tips and what not. Its going to be a good healthy active summer!

Peace

So this daily thing sometimes hits me right in the gut--

They don't send out the daily on the weekend, but to be honest I don't always read them "daily" and thats okay with me, because there's times like tonight that I needed to hear it at this moment and not the other day.

Right before I opened up the email and alot in the last few days( and probable for a loooong time) I have had these thoughts, where I look at people and say to myself, I am never going to be that good( perfect). I will never have that perfect white smile, I will never have that perfect body, I will never be that pretty. And truly these false lies, that I let get into my head ,are killing me slowly. Because I let it affect everything I do. I cant be happy with someone that has the perfect everything. I know everyone has problems. And no one is perfect. But its how I see them.

And so I recognized tonight that I needed something, so I thought I would read the daily from a few days ago. And its subject was peace and the first line said-- Spend a minute asking God to help keep your mind and heart open to the things he wants to teach you.

Wow. Is God trying to tell me to be open, and not close myself off because I don't see myself as perfect, when in his eyes he thinks I am perfect? I feel like thats what he is trying to tell me. But I fight it a little. Scared that maybe its not real.

So then I started thinking about how much time and energy of my day I worry about what someone is thinking about me, will they think I am ugly, fat, if I say something will they think I am stupid, silly. All these things run through my head ALL day. And I want someone to just notice me. But why do I need someone to acknowledge me to make me happy?

And then I read the verse that went along with the daily-- Romans 8:5-6 Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man[a] is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace;

I was then at a loss for words. How do I live a life accordance with the spirt?

It said --If we set our minds on what God's Spirit desires for us, we let go of trying to fight alone. We quit obsessing about the future and we rest in knowing that God is the full answer and the perfect provider.

I don't want to fight alone. I CAN'T fight alone. I know this.

The answer-- The battle between peace and chaos isn't easy. Our "old self" will tempt us to hold tight to control, to be our own answer, and to question God's power and love. But when we ground ourselves in the Spirit and let go of our fear and pride, the fruit of the struggle is peace.

So this place is my stand to ground myself in something that is peaceful.


Writing this down has made me think about things so much more, and teach me. If no one else every sees this it would totally be okay with me, and part of me wants to keep it private. But by doing that I would be accepting the fears of what ifs. And I don't want to live in fear. But in peace.

Patience

As I was reading the Daily( a lil kinda devotion from crossroads, that comes daily in my email) tonight, which is acutally for Fridays, its late thur night/early fri morning.

But back to what it was talking about. It talked about patience.

--I think I can be a patient person on somethings. Like I work with kids all day, so I have a good level of patients, like not going totally crazy when no one is listening.

But when it comes to my relationships, or lack there of, as in dating. I am not very patient. I get frustrated alot with God about this. Like why can't I have what tons of other people have. And before you start to feel pity on me, because thats not what I am looking for, I learned something from reading it.

It says in Romans 12:9--Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

For a long time I went after relationships for just the matter of having someone, to have that feeling of being wanted. I wasn't being sincere in love, and most of the time the evil things were wanted I went after, so i forsure wasn't clinging on to what was good.

And I know thats not who I am.

I learned that those ways aren't the way I want to live my life. I want to really practice patience with what God wants for my relationships.

It said at the end-- Ask God to help you experience joy through your patience.

I want joy in all parts of my life, I know there will be ups and downs, but I want that joyful spirit in my life, even when something isn't going "my way".

This last 6 weeks on the Free journey has changed my life. I really can say that. And its lil changes that maybe I can only see, and maybe not all the time do I feel totally changed. And I still have to fight hard to keep my freedom of what I have gotten back, and there's still lots I have to fight for. But I am here fighting.

So this blog I want to be a place I can freely share some of my thoughts, struggles, and joyful experiences. With freedom.